Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Bop Bop Baby

I love the "shuffle songs" feature on my Ipod. It's like a little surprise every time a new song clicks on. And I love that I can go from listening to Shinedown to Tim McGraw to Chicago to Pink and it never seems to phase me. Recently, "Crazy Bitch" from Buckcherry came on. I smiled. I turned it up. I jammed with the windows down. Ya know, a normal reaction for me to a fun song.
 
Then I had a strange thought. What happens when Puff and I have kids and "Crazy Bitch" comes on? Are we required, as good parents, to change the channel? Or do we pretend to not notice that the lyrics are inappropriate? Do parents really have to censor their children as much as some do?
 
My "niece," Ollie, recently got a Kidz Bop CD for her 7th birthday. I have a few opinions on this matter. First, it makes me feel super crazy old that she's already SEVEN! Second, do you realize they are on version 20 of this crap? Oh... and I about died when I saw they have a "Kidz Bop sings Monster Ballads." Aren't half of all 80s power ballads about, ya know, SEX?!?! How do you make that "kid appropriate" by having some nasally 8 year old sing it instead of Bret Michaels?
 
Have I mentioned my complete and utter disdain for the sound of children singing? I am really, really, hoping our unconceived children sing as well as I do so I will never be forced to sit through anything with the words "children's choir" in the title.
 
I do think my favorite song on the latest version of Kidz Bop is that they covered Cee Lo's "F--- You" song! I could fall over right now laughing. AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO THINKS IF A SONG HAS "FUCK" IN THE ORIGINAL TITLE THAT NO MATTER WHO IS SINGING THE SONG IT IS STILL NOT AN APPROPRIATE SONG FOR A KINDERGARTENER?!?!?!? Then there are songs that don't make any sense to me why they even had to redo them in the first place. Like Willow Smith's song, "Whip my Hair." Isn't a song by a kid perhaps, I don't know, already appropriate for a kid?
 
OK... I better stop. I'm kinda making myself violent here! The reality is, when I was growing up, I listened to the radio. I listened to whatever music my parents listened to. Was some of it a lot less sexually charged and racy than it is today? Sure. But was I harmed by listening to The Who sing their own songs instead of a group of crappy children singers? I suppose the jury is still out on that one. I understand that each parent has to make their own decision for their own children. And the reality is, I probably won't be listening to any vomit metal music around my toddler where every other word is "fuck" or "shit." (Not that I listen to that anyway!)
 
But there will not be any Kidz Bop CDs allowed in my house. Or in my car. Or anywhere near my children. They can listen to Trapt and REO Speedwagon and Taylor Swift and Matchbox Twenty and Robbie Williams with their mom and turn out perfectly normal. And just one last thing... if any of you ever buy my child a Kidz Bop CD, I will toilet paper your house every Sunday morning for the next twenty years. And maybe even throw your patio furniture on your roof while I'm at it. Oh yeah... and I will make sure that my son/daughter corrupts your son/daughter with all that racy Billy Joel music they're going to love so much!

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