Judge me or not, but I am a wee bit fascinated by the Duggar family. You know the one... with the 19 kids. And while I will fully admit to first being introduced to them via a baby name message board over 10 years ago, (because who could believe they really existed and had all those "J" names?!?) I have become a devoted follower of their TV show and have even read their books. In fact, I got their most recent one this past Christmas and something in it really struck a chord.
It mentions that if we knew God's plan in the end, maybe we wouldn't be so quick to gripe when things aren't going how we want them to go.
I feel like that has been a really great way to look at the past 7 months of my life.
Losing a job I loved was never in the cards. I had high hopes of staying there for several more years. Walking out of there that day in December, fighting back tears, I saw my world collapsing. I was out of work and 16 weeks pregnant. Would anyone hire me in that state? We needed the money. And oh, the boredom that would come! How would I deal with being stuck at home all day alone? Plus, the depression. That would get crippling some days.
But in hindsight, God knew something I didn't. He knew that my job schedule was insane and very demanding, both mentally and physically. He knew I needed that time instead to rest and focus on taking care of myself and baking Bimmer into a big, strong, healthy, little girl. He knew that while I would suffer depression, I would seek out help and find the real root cause and work to better myself. He knew that I needed the time to get the house in order, nest, clean, and prep for the arrival of our baby. He knew I needed daily walks in the sunshine and afternoon naps. Because of being unemployed, I was able to hold off inevitable ailments like lower back pain, swelling, and difficulty walking until way later into the pregnancy than it would have been had I been working. And to make sure we could shoulder the financial burden, he blessed us with the timing of being around the holidays and my birthday, so I had spare gift money. Plus, we were fortunate enough to be able to get unemployment checks. While part of me hated/hates to be taking that money, I know we are not squandering it on anything unnecessary. We needed it. God provided.
In April, I had two great job interviews with a company I was sure would hire me. Everything about the job was perfect. The work itself, the schedule, the location, the money, the people. I would have been a total rock star in that position and knew I could do the job wonderfully. Yet, after a few weeks and no phone call, I sank back into a momentary depression. I was so sure they had been able to look past my pregnancy and were going to offer me the position. But again, God had other plans. Had I been offered the job, I would have had to start when I was about 35 or 36 weeks pregnant. I would have been busting my ass during the hardest part of my pregnancy. I would have had to work up until the bitter end, instead of resting and enjoying those last few days of peace and sleep. I also would have had to rush to get back to work. I would have to have found alternate day care for Bimmer, since she's still waitlisted until the fall at our first choice location. Not to mention I would have been forced to leave her in someone else's care at 6 to 8 weeks old. That's too young. She needs her mommy for a little while longer. God knew that. He didn't give me that job on purpose. He knew my job was right here, at home, taking care of my daughter.
I also had another great job situation present itself in early July. But God gave me the wisdom to inquire about the salary before I went in for a second interview. They were offering no more than $30,000 a year. Unfortunately, that just won't cut it. That won't cover the cost of daycare. It wouldn't have been worth it for me to continue on with the interview process, knowing I needed a higher salary. The woman was gracious and understanding when I told her that I didn't want to waste any more of her time. Again, the situation didn't work out for a reason. I would have had to start the job before I was ready. And the hours would have been long and hard and kept me away from Bimmer more often than I want. God knows there is the right compromise out there for us.
Some days, it's really hard to keep the faith. Others, it's really easy. Regardless, I can take one look down at Bimmer and realize that she came from me. She came from us. She came from God. And if He can give us something that amazing, I know he's got our backs.