I try to make a point not to air too much of my dirty laundry on this blog. But an argument between Puff and I that happened yesterday morning was so raw and real that I figured we can't be the only couple going through this.
The long and short of it is that Bimmer woke me and Healey before 7am, after we had had a pretty rough night. I put Healey in her bed and went to help Puff get Bimmer ready for school. I'm not exactly sure how or why the screaming began, but it ultimately led to Puff telling me that I should be doing more to help with the girls and that I am on a "3 month vacation" from work and that he "has responsibilities" at work that he needs to take care of.
Because your daughters and wife aren't more important responsibilities at home???
And a 3 month vacation? Seriously? Because having to hold a baby to sleep, be knee-deep in poopy diapers, not being able to shower until 1pm, and not having time to even eat is a vacation? Suckiest vacation EVER.
I know that Healey's arrival came at a bad time for Puff with regards to his job. He has a major project due this week to a major international company. I can't help that. I also can't help the fact that I had major surgery a mere two weeks ago and that I'm not able to lift things (like Healey in her carrier or Bimmer to get her into the car) and that I wasn't supposed to drive until sometime this week. I have real, honest, physical limitations right now that I cannot rush to heal. It's not worth the possible compromise to my recovery to drive too soon, even if Bimmer's school is right down the street.
It hurt my heart so much to hear Puff say those things. It left me bawling, Bimmer crying, and Healey screaming from her bed. I cried off and on all day yesterday. The words he said stung to the core.
One of my biggest fears in getting pregnant again was going through the newborn stage with Puff. It's not that he's a bad father, but he doesn't like that stage and he's not so good at it. I've tried so hard to take the bulk of the responsibility for the new baby... including not asking him to take her in the middle of the night when he has to work the next day. I am doing anything and everything I can to keep the house running, keep Bimmer happy and healthy, and tend to every need of the new baby without inconveniencing him. It's not a 50/50 split on the parenting right now. And I'm OK with that... as long as he can acknowledge that fact.
From the minute Bimmer was born, I have put her as my top priority in life. I know this has hindered my marriage. I read all the time that you should put your spouse first, over the children, but that is the most faulty logic I could ever imagine. I just cannot grasp that concept, nor will I ever. My girls will always 100% be at the top of my list for everything. We knew having a newborn would stifle anything we had rebuilt in the last year or so after going through the baby stage with Bimmer. And to me, it's all worth it. We'll argue, we'll have bad days, but if at the end of it all, my girls are happy and healthy, and I'm still married by Healey's first birthday, I will consider it a victory.
I know many other fathers and husbands are a lot better at this game than Puff is. I have had to accept that, even though I don't like it. I don't like that he is not the father I had in my head for my young children. But I don't know what else to do. We are muddling through this phase in our lives and I hope we come out OK on the other side, if not stronger for it. I know that Puff loves us all, just as we all love him.
Kids are hard. Fuck, life is hard.