Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Just for Today

Just for today. ::Fill in the blank:: I am OK.

Over the years, I have adopted several "life slogans." I'm kinda the queen of quoting, so when I read "Choice, not chance, determines destiny" on a piece of pottery at a Renaissance Fair in high school, it quickly became my default saying of choice. (Read more about that HERE) I've since also adopted the line, "No regrets. They don't work. No regrets. They only hurt." From a Robbie song, no doubt. But in the past 10+ years, I have maintained a strange dedication to both of these mottos. I realize my choices determine my legacy. And that conveniently encompasses the no regrets from the past theory, since I know I made those choices to map out my future.

I've always had a hard time living for the present. I don't dwell constantly in the past, although I do like to bring up a good story now and again. Nope, the future is where I live. The calendars and the plans months in advance. Today? Well, today is just something I've been prepping for so intently for so long that it's almost a relief just to get here. It will happen how I figured it would. Or it won't. And the choices I made to get to today will create the path to tomorrow. Once tomorrow comes, I can't regret what I did today. I have to trust that my decisions will get me to where I ultimately want to go. So when someone threw out the "Just for today" motto, I was a bit taken aback. How does someone who takes today for granted find solace and peace in this moment, right now?

Just for today, I have great, supportive friends. I am OK.

Just for today, I have a husband who loves and trusts me. I am OK.

Just for today, I have passion and drive. I am OK.

Just for today, I have my health. I am OK.

Just for today, I have Oreo dessert bars. I am OK.

Just for today, I have no regrets. I am OK.

I can visualize a room full of people, recovering addicts, sharing their stories. I can visualize the type of person who needs constant reassurance that their life is on the right path. I can relate because I have an obsessive personality. I can relate because I am constantly reassuring myself that this is the life I chose and the life I want to lead. In a way, I live my life one day at a time... just a few months ahead of schedule. Stopping to smell the metaphoric roses and relishing in the here and now is just not something I've ever been able to grasp. With so much out there, so much to enjoy, so much to absorb, how can I sit still long enough to be thankful for today?

Dammit, I've got to try.

I run myself ragged with my insane work schedule, time with friends, time with family, and that constant necessity to travel. It's unrealistic to think I could stop the pre-planning. My life just doesn't work that way. But maybe, just maybe, I can pick a day, any day, and live just for that day. Embrace every moment, relish every handshake and hug, steal every glance, genuinely mean every smile, feel every ounce of love.

Just for today, I will try to see the world differently. And I will be OK.

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