Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Whore in Church

In honor of Easter, an inner dialogue during Sunday service at a Baptist church...

Well, there are more people here this week. That's good.

Oh, some of them are more our age. Although most of them have kids with them. We're late to jump on that whole kid bandwagon, aren't we?

Is that the preacher? The preacher was on vacation last week. Well, he is kinda...

No, that's not approriate thoughts for church.

You know what else is not appropriate thoughts for church? Sex. But yeah, I just had to say the word in my head at least once.

Did it suddenly get hot in here? I think so. My thighs are sticking together.

Yup, that's definitely the regular preacher. He is...... married.

And so am I. And I love my husband. Especially when he writes notes to me during service on our program.

Did you SEE that family that just sat behind us? Three boys, all wearing white polo shirts with their monograms on them and blue/white seersucker shorts with nautical belts. Oh! And the dad! He's wearing a bowtie! This church is soooo awesome!

Peace be with you. Or something like that. Apparently in the Baptist church you walk around during this time and meet people. That old man in a blazer is pretty rock star. Oh, hi, Angela. Nice to meet you.

Hold hands to pray. Really? I'm glad I'm not sitting next to some scuzzy person. I don't want to hold hands with the husband. This is ridiculous. I'd hold hands with the preacher though.

Oh, c'mon, Angela, your daughter is like 8 years old. Does she really need to LAY DOWN in the pew?

Something about God. Something else about God. I really should pay more attention. Wow, the preacher is really getting into his sermon today. It's also running long. Do you think we could speed this up? I point at my watch to the hubs.

He writes on his program, "Need to beat the Methodists to Publix?"

Yes, honey. I do. I signed up for church to be an hour long. He's going to run over. And I'm hungry and my thighs are sweating. Isn't there some sort of saying about a whore in church? Did I just call myself a whore?

That couple is cute. With their cute little baby. I want a baby. I could see bringing my kids to the daycare at this church. It's not that far out of the way to work. And Puff actually just looked up pricing for it recently. Awwww... maybe he's up for being a daddy after all. Not like he has a choice.

Puff points out names to me in the Bible. Well, heck, I could've gotten a lot more into church a long time ago had you told me there would be NAMES involved. Malachai is pretty badass. Woops... am I allowed to say "badass" in my head during church? Did it just get hotter in here? No... the preacher just said "ticked off." I think I'm in the clear.

OK, time to collect the money. That lady took the envelope. Do you have to write on the outside who it's from? They might expect us to start coming regularly if they know our names. Gosh, Puff. What were you thinking? Oh, another lady came to take my envelope. I don't have one to give her. Um... does she think I didn't give anything? Now they're not going to let us back because they think we're some church-moochers who just come in and learn about their God and then don't give you money to fund churchy shit like candles and such. Woops... there I go cussing again in church. Good thing Baptists don't have confession. I'll just say a Hail Mary. Wait, do they say that? I don't think so. I'll just say the Our Father. Oh wait, again. I already said that outloud earlier. And seriously... these people do a LONGER version. I don't know the whole last verse. People are going to be looking at me. I've got to learn that crap. There I go again...

Ah, the preacher is walking out. Time to go. That wasn't that bad. I think I could manage to go there again sometime.

But seriously, is it wrong to think the preacher is a total cutie?

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