Sham-Meh

(Another fabulous guest post today! This one is from my friend, Trish, out in California. I'll repay her with Harry Connick Jr. paraphernalia.)

I was lucky enough, for the first 8 years we owned a home, to afford a housekeeping service. As a full-time working mom to 3 busy kids, I loved that 2 times a month, my house got back to a “starting point”. Not to mention I didn’t have to scrub toilets anymore. I let most of my cleaning products and utensils go without replacing them, and felt good about it. In fact, on one of those “25 Things About Me” Facebook posts, I wrote, “I don’t own a mop, and I have no plans to buy a mop. But I would kill for a Sham-Wow.”

 

But then… a state budget crisis, and my teacher-husband and I were suddenly taking furlough days (read: Salary Reduction) and losing our stipends (read: Continue to coach like you’ve been doing, but we’re paying you less than ½ what we did for the past 17 years). Add that to the rising costs of our children, and we had to cut back… the first thing to go was the housekeepers. :::sigh:::

 

But ok! MILLIONS of women work outside the home AND manage to keep said home clean. Lesser women than I have done it, plus I have a wonderful husband who does as much, if not more, housework than I do. How hard could this be?

 

Without a mop.

 

Did I mention I have 800 sq. feet of tile downstairs? And 2 bathrooms upstairs? And 2 teenage/young adult sons at home?

 

I bought a Swiffer Wet system. I bought sponges. I didn’t throw out my broom. I thought this experiment would work. My kids aren’t THAT messy, are they? If we spill something, we can clean it up, right? Do I really NEED a mop? Tell me I don’t have to go buy one, please?

 

Oh. My. God. What messy people we are! What are those spots in front of the couch? Do we really spill THAT much in front of the fridge? And the random hallway splotch… what IS it?

 

I lasted 6 months without a mop. It was hard to spend $20 at the market on one (so many choices!!), but I couldn’t do it any longer. And it’s now been almost 5 years without housekeepers, and it’s all I dream about, sometimes. I cannot wait for the day when my personal budget allows me to call someone to pick up my stuff and clean those damn counters and MOP MY FLOORS. And, um, hello, baseboards? What the heck?

 

So, my experiment was a bust, I’m sorry to say. Can’t have a home without a mop, apparently. Lesson learned. Oh, and that Sham-Wow I wanted so desperately? Has been rechristened, “Sham-Meh”.

Sound Bite Sunday

I'm a bit sad that this is my last Robbie Williams themed entry for Sound Bite Sunday! Oh, don't worry, I'm sure we'll revist again at some point in time. I'm not quite sure why I've made it my mission to try to get people into his music. It's worked well with some of my friends over the years, and Puff can actually tolerate him. (Which is nice, since he hates most of my other rock music!) But on that note, a song from "Escapology" which is a fairly fun album. I remember driving around a lot, listening to this song, and cranking it up as loud as it can go and dancing along. It's just a fresh, bouncy song. And I hope it brightens your day during this dreary time of the year!

 

Hot Fudge by Robbie Williams

 

Queen bitch eat the rich
I'm on the second course today
I'm not the first and I won't be the worst
She's done most of L.A.
Can't find a virgin, I can get you a surgeon
Twenty-four hours a day
Call it Collagen Jeanie you big lip meanie
I'm about to be blown away
Come on sing it

Take me to the place where the sunshine flows
Oh my Sunset Rodeo

Hot fudge here comes the judge
There's a green card in the way
The Holy Ghost and the whole East Coast
Are moving to L.A.
And we've been dreaming of this feeling since 1988
Mother things have got to change
I'm moving to L.A.

Take the piss always English
God bless you Uncle Sam
You got a cool gene pool and our winter's cruel
And God knows I love to tan
Making cents and dead Presidents
Before I could count to ten
With a nation behind me can't stop the limey
She's on her back again
Come on sing it

Take me to the place where the sunshine flows
Oh my Sunset Rodeo

Hot fudge here comes the judge
There's just a green card in the way
The Holy Ghost and the whole East Coast
Are moving to L.A.
'Cause we've been dreaming of this feeling since 1988
Mother things have got to change
I'm moving to L.A.

L.A. L.A. L.A.
L.A. L.A. L.A.
L.A. L.A. L.A.

Take me to the place where the sunshine flows
Oh my Sunset Rodeo

Hot fudge here comes the judge
There's just a green card in the way
The Holy Ghost and the whole East Coast
Are moving to L.A.
'Cause we've been dreaming of this feeling since 1988
Mother things have got to change
I'm moving to

Hot fudge here comes the judge
There's just a green card in the way
The Holy Ghost and the whole East Coast
Are moving to L.A.
And we've been dreaming of this feeling since 1988
Mother things have got to change
I'm moving to L.A.
Moving to L.A.
Keep on moving, keep on moving, keep on moving to L.A.
L.A., L.A.
Keep on moving, moving on
Keep on moving, moving on
Keep on moving, moving on
..and stop

Flash Bulb Friday

As I had previously mentioned, this week is the second most important of my year. Therefore, I'm in the midst of chaos but had to stop for a minute to remind myself of some calm.

 

This photo was taken in the Cayman Islands on our honeymoon last May, right before my "waterproof" camera died in the ocean.

 

Somehow, this week, it just seemed kinda perfect.

Nun-Ya-Bizness

(A fabulous guest post from my dear friend, Katie, who is saving my butt during this crazy week! I plan to repay her in Reese's cups.)

For the love of everything, it's none of your business if I'm pregnant or planning on becoming pregnant. When did it become OK to pry into strangers' lives and ask about intimate details? As a newly wed and first-time home buyer, I feel I've had my fair share of baby inquiries recently, and none of them are welcome, thankyouverymuch.

Soon after we moved into our new house, our neighbor saw me moving a rug into the house and took the time to not ask my name, not ask to help, but rather comment on my family situation. “Awfully big house for the two of you, isn't it?” No, not really. Also, nun-ya-bizness.

I recently met with a new co-worker and she had a lot – A LOT – of pictures of her son on her desk on the first day she started. He's like 8 now, but there were pictures of him from when he was much younger, thinking the kids in the pictures could have been brothers, I asked how many kids she has. Somehow that gave her the signal to ask me if I wanted kids. And it made me want to lie.

I try to evade this question because what if I say yes and then we for some reason are unable to get pregnant... I wouldn't want the constant reminder the form of questions about when it will happen. Or, god forbid, if something were to go wrong. If I say no and then end up with a kid, they'll think I was careless in my family planning. There is no winning. Usually my answer is something like, I love kids, but not right now. But what if I'm lying? What if I'm desperately trying to get pregnant, but can't? What if I ampregnant, but not ready to announce it? What if I was pregnant, but not anymore? Way to remind me that my uterus is deformed (maybe it is, maybe it isn't – also nun-ya).

So after talking with some friends, here are some lines newly weds being pressured to have babies can use when asked about family planning:

The doctor said we could start trying about three months after this last miscarriage.

Dude, we're going at it like rabbits, we can't figure out what is wrong. How did you do it?

I'd love to discuss my vaginal secretions with you over coffee sometime, perhaps you can help me figure out if all of this is normal. When are you available?

Don't tell my husband, but I'm still on the pill. I just love practicing.

You tell me first, when was the last time you had sex?

It must not be in god's plan right now.


Please leave any other suggestions you can think of in the comments.

Any Takers?

Sometimes, all a woman needs is some time away with her girl friends. (Or is it girlfriends? Because spelling it that way totally makes me think that you're picturing all of us having underwear pillow fights. And you'd be right.)

 

Going into a crazy hectic week at work, (my apologies if there isn't much happening here this week) I perfectly scheduled a trip to see some of my college girlfriends to spend some time eating and drinking and shopping and catching up.

 

So, on Friday, I put up my Facebook status to read...

 

Excited about a girl's weekend in Cola!

 

(To explain... Cola is an abbreviation for Columbia that some idiot along the way thought of and we all just agreed it was acceptable!)

 

And one of Puff's witty friends responded with...

 

Does that mean Puff gets a boy's weekend in Zima?

 

That comment puts him high on my list if I ever need to audition a guest author for a post or two...

P.S. And seriously... who can honestly say that when they were underage in the early 90s they weren't sipping on a Zima at a party. Probably with Jolly Ranchers in it!

P.P.S. Also seriously, I will need some guest posts here in the coming future. So if you're interested, let me know and I'll create a form for you to complete and you can submit a sample of your writing along with a swab of your DNA. Can't be too careful. Don't want you contaminating this awesome blog!

P.P.P.S. If you are a friend and want to guest post this week, that would be helpful. It just can't have anything to do with boats.

Sound Bite Sunday

In honor of spending some time with Kimhead the past few days, I thought I would share one of our favorite Robbie songs together. I think being young and in college when we started enjoying Robbie together, this song spoke to some of our angst and fear toward life changing so much being so far from home. It's really an evil song. Yet, it brings back good memories of driving around in my Rav4 with my friends and singing out the sunroof. This was a good "fuck you" song through those early college break-ups too. This song also includes one of my favorite lyrics in any song... bolded below.

 

Karma Killer by Robbie Williams

 

You've been naughty...very very naughty
Are you cut up
Or do you easily forget
Are you still around
Why haven't you managed to die yet
You could prop up the bar in hell

How do you sleep
You've never loved
Why was I never good enough
You thought you'd leave me falling forever
Karma killer

Needless to say
I guess you know I hate you
You're so full of sin
Even the devil rates you
I hope you choke
On your Bacardi and Coke

How do you breathe
Why don't you cry
How come you never ask me why
You're not a man stand and deliver
Karma killer

How do you sleep
You've never loved
Why was I never good enough
You thought you'd leave me falling forever

Karma killer
Karma killer
Karma killer
Karma killer

I hope you choke
On your Bacardi and Coke

Look what you didn't take from me
Look what you didn't take from me
Look what you didn't take from me
Look what you didn't take from me

I don't need to take revenge
Cos they're coming to get you
There's no hope for you my friend
Cos they're coming to get you

Karma killer
Karma killer
Karma killer
Karma killer
Karma killer
Karma killer

Flash Bulb Friday

We've been over this before... I am not a professional photographer, nor do I claim to be anywhere close. This picture is probably a prime example. The clouds in the reflection were something maybe not everyone would have noticed, but perhaps the rest of the composition isn't everything a pro would have done.

 

Regardless, as I am about to embark on my second craziest week of the year starting Monday, I thought I'd let my mind wander back to a time when life at work seemed a lot less hectic. This was taken the summer of 2008 in the parking lot at my office. The week marked a special occasion and there was a lot of hoopla... so much so, my boss even took me on to the roof of the building for a bird's eye view when he learned I had my nice camera in tow.

 

It's one of those weeks that may never happen again... when everything fell into place, there were a lot of happy people, and I thoroughly enjoyed my job. And that gorgeous July sky and warm weather didn't hurt anything either.

Why It's My Choice

Every once and awhile, having a backlog of filler entries to just post and run is a lifesaver. Today, you're witnessing such an act. I figured that not all of you may realize or understand the meaning behind the name of the blog. The site itself is "My Choice, Not Chance" but the title on the page is "Choice, Not Chance." The only real reason for the difference? Apparently choicenotchance.blogspot was already taken. Bitches and hos. Bitches and hos. (Or is it hoes?)

 

Anyway, I'm not 100% sure when or where I ever heard this quote, but ever since I first stumbled upon it, it's been my absolute favorite:

 

Choice, not chance, determines destiny.

 

I know that I was in high school when I first heard it, and part of me wants to fess up that it might have been on a piece of pottery at the Renaissance Festival in Ohio that I spotted on a freshman field trip. Regardless of its origins, something about it just hit a nerve and has held on to a part of my brain ever since. So when it came time to pick a catchy blog title, I just thought it was well-suited. I was presented with a chance to share my life with you, and then it was my choice to do so.

 

So much of life seems to be clumped into categories... something happened either by destiny/fate/the hand of God or it was a natural, human choice. I tend to see it all a bit more muddied than that. I like to think that the universe gives us all chances, but it's the choice we make with those chances that leads to our final outcome. I like to think I've got a little bit more say in my own destiny, but at the same time, like to think maybe there's something or someone a bit more powerful helping me out along the way.

 

Believe what you will. Take it for what it's worth. Enjoy it or not. Regardless, it just makes sense to me. And since this blog is about me, it seemed only fitting.

How to Raise Your Daughter

We all have guilty pleasures, right?

Well, one of mine is "Toddlers & Tiaras" on TLC. For those of you who don't know of this amazingly awesome train-wreck, it's a reality show about the cut-throat world of toddler beauty pageants.

It's basically a show about people who live in trailers, yet spend $50,000 a year on rhinestone-covered dresses. And wackadoodles who think their 15 month old can do the "talent" portion of the show. Not to mention spray tanning 2 year olds, waxing eyebrows on a 5 year old, and drowning little ones in Coke and Pixie Sticks to keep them happy and alert.

After several seasons, I finally found my favorite looney character on this show. Even in an episode where a mom made this ridiculous dolphin-like cackle to attract her daughter's attention and another little girl who took a REAL LIVE PONY on to the stage for her "talent," this trumped them all. I couldn't find a better picture, unfortunately, but here he is...

Arnold. That's right, he's a puppet. And to hear the mother speak, you would think it was like another child to them! But it gets better... not only is the giant red-headed puppet bigger than the adorable little red-headed contestant, but get this... the puppet has a wheelchair. That's right... a mother fuckin' WHEELCHAIR. And the little girl pushes the puppet around in its little puppet wheelchair. And takes it to the competition with her, where the poor, dear ol' dad holds the puppet and mimicks her dance routine with it.

This pretty much convinced me that my future daughter will totally do pageants... if only to have a wheelchair-bound puppet baby!

Sound Bite Sunday

After a ridiclously disappointing quasi-techno departure on "Rudebox" my Robbie came back to me (thanks, in part, I think, to getting married and hopefully a bit more sober) with his "Reality Killed the Video Star" album that came out in 2010. I was estatic to hear music that sounded much like the Robbie I had grown to love over the past 10 years. This little doo-wop inspired song was my favorite. Check out the video too... it's a bit trippy, Alice in Wonderland themed. I'm pretty sure it gave me nightmares for a day or two after watching it. But raise a glass to toast the return of the music I love!

 

You Know Me by Robbie Williams

 

If a man could beat his own fantasy
Then to only breed in captivity
Is pointless
I've been doing what I like when I like how I like it's
joyless
Only you know me

What a waste of all this peace ,
Baby steps and two more sleeps
Till I get to say sorry
I get hysterical, historical; of love is just chemical
Give us something to stop me
Only you know me

Since you went away, my heart breaks everyday
You don't know cos you're not there
You simply found the words to make a lot of feelings
fade away -or(our model feelings)
Only you know me

I'm doin' fine
And the sun often shines
What are you thinking?
At the worst of my mind
With this thunderbird wine
Baby, I'm drinking-
Only you know me

Since you went away, my heart breaks everyday
You don't know cos you're not there
You simply found the words to make a lot of feelings
fade away
Only you know me
Only you know me

Since you went away, my heart breaks everyday
You don't know cos you're not there
You simply found the words to make a lot of feelings
fade away-or(our model feelings)
Only you know me
Only you know me
Only you
Only you
Only you know me

Flash Bulb Friday

After being stuck in a winter wonderland all week, I'm walking down a memory lane of warm weekends away at the beach. Even if I don't like sand!

 

This picture was taken on my first vacation together with Puff. We had started dating in June and went to Charleston, SC, for Labor Day weekend that September. We took the convertible and drove around with the top down. We hit up the beach, did some shopping, I tried scallops for the first time, and we slept at the most amazing B&B with the most orgasmic bed ever.

 

This was taken at Middleton Plantation, along the edge of the grounds near a marsh. The day was so hot, I almost passed out. And after waking up to a 16 degree morning today, I think I'd be OK taking a hot day along a low country marsh. If nothing else, it's much prettier than melting snow.

Merman or Manmaid?

Six months ago, Puff and I were on a tour of back roads along the NC & SC border. We stopped in the cute little town of Landrum, which is all of about two blocks long. It has old historic buildings and quaint little antique shops. And even an Amish furniture store that was complete with an Amish family out front grilling hot dogs for anyone who wanted one. We wandered in and out of some of the shops and then, when I had to take a pee break, we headed to the last store on the row. It was a gift shop promoting its Christmas wares plus ice cream and coffee. I figured they had a toilet.

 

What I found inside was much better than any bathroom break could ever have been.

 

I found HIM.

 

 

Yes, he is a construction worker mermaid mix of a fella, in Christmas ornament form. The first time I saw him, I doubled over in laughter and probably was on the verge of tears. (I failed to mention he also had other mermaid-mix friends featuring an indian, police officer, gypsy-Aladdin-type, and a busty nurse!) Well, I HAD to have him. He was going to be the best gag ornament I ever got Kimhead. Except... he was $22. And even though he was hilariously funny, he was not on sale. And I couldn't justify that price.

 

Cue the last 6 construction-worker-mermanless months. As the holidays came and went, I kept thinking that my tree was just so bare without him. I had developed a crush and was desperate to have him back. So, this past Saturday, Puff and I had an opportunity to go back to Landrum for an afternoon. And it was AGONY. We first went to Tryon, NC, for brunch and then we had to check out the Amish store and I had to pretend to be interested in all those fuddy-duddy antique stores. Dammit... all I wanted was to get down to the end of the street and get my MERMAN!!!!

 

When we got into the shop, I tried to play it cool. I casually browsed the front racks, knowing he had been in the very back corner of the back room last time we were there. After about a good 20 seconds, I couldn't stand it anymore. Puff knows I'm not cool, so no use trying. And there he was! Just where I had left him! (Although, he was now without his Indian friend. So sad!) And again, that $22 price tag just killed me. I couldn't pick him up. Nope, I couldn't do it.

 

That's when my dear, loving husband forced me to pick him up. And once he was in my hands, he wasn't going anywhere. In fact, Puff actually bought him for me! Except he's being boxed up to gift to me for Christmas 2011. That's OK. Now that I know he's home, safe and sound, I can wait til next December. That gives me all those extra months to figure out what to NAME him!

 

Any suggestions?

Snowmageddon

Last month, I completely lost faith in any meteorologist predicting snow. So when they kept taunting us with this huge snow storm across the south, I didn't really believe them. Especially since as the day wore on yesterday, the grand totals of accumulation kept plummeting.

Then I woke up today. To 6 inches of the white stuff. And it's still snowing. They're saying some places could see up to 9 inches by day's end... and then topped off with some sleet. Yee haw!

Needless to say, Puff and I opted to stay home from work. Except we're both pretty pissed that both our employers are not technically closed today, so this counts as a vacation day. Fucking ridiculous. Would they pay for our car repairs and medical bills if we slid off the road into a ditch en route to the office? I think not. It's good to know our employers really care. @@

So we're hunkering down inside today. I'm just thankful I have someone to keep me company and to play with so I don't get bored!

The view from our deck of our back yard

Looking down our street this morning. Think we could've gotten our little convertible up the road?

Sound Bite Sunday

Round two of our Robbie Williams month! This song is a bit of an anomaly to me. I think it was on a major release in England (and perhaps elsewhere) but it wasn't on "The Ego Has Landed" which was his big break into the US market. (Although it wasn't really that big, was it? I've read that he lives in Los Angeles because America is the only country in the world where he can go unnoticed!) Regardless, I caught this song on some later compilation CD and have always loved it. I don't really have a good reason why, other than I like the tune. And with the exception of "Rudebox" my Robbie can do no wrong. So check it out and enjoy!

 

Phoenix from the Flames by Robbie Williams

 

Silence shields the pain
So you say nothing
Feel they've rigged the game
And you're done with lovin'
Only you can see the darkness in the northern lights

Phoenix from the Flames
We will rise together
They will know our names
Can you feel it
Shelter me from pain
I always wanna feel this way
Oh yeah
Just like a Phoenix from the Flame

Wish they'd take you back
Cos you miss heaven
Too many bags to pack
So leave them where they are
Tonight you're flying on a golden dream

Phoenix from the Flames
We will rise together
They will know our names
Can you feel it
Shelter me from pain
I always wanna feel this way

Everybody's talking
Nobody's listening
Too busy thinking about what you've
Been missing
Everybody said you're gonna take it
Too far baby now
Well come on

When you're done with lovin'
It comes down to nothing
Can you feel it
Can you feel it
Can you feel it

Phoenix from the Flames
We will rise together
They will know our names
Can you feel it
Shelter me from pain
I always wanna feel this way
Oh yeah
Just like a Phoenix from the Flame

Phoenix from the Flames
We will rise together
They will know our names
Can you feel it
Shelter me from pain
I always wanna feel this way
Oh yeah
Just like a Phoenix from the Flame

Why don't you come and deny it
You know you can't deny it
I always wanna feel this way
Just like a Phoenix from the Flames

Flash Bulb Friday

Puff likes cars. I like to take pictures. Therefore, car shows are much more tolerable than say, a comic book expo.

 

There's a huge European Auto Show every year in SC. Except we've missed it the past 2 years thanks to a wedding and a concert. Yes, he's still ripping on me about that concert. But dude, had you TOLD ME that the car show was that weekend when I asked if we had plans, I wouldn't have bought the tickets! Just saying.

 

So here we go... a photo of a car. That's all I've got today.

Moo

Last week, Puff and I had an encounter with a giant, mutant cow.

And not the same kind of encounter we had with the Prancing Armadillo. THANK GOD. Could you imagine if there was a giant, mutant cow under my house?!?! Talk about nightmares!!!

No, it was a different kind of encounter. But no less frightening. Or funny. Depending who you ask. Anyway... the back story is that there is a local zoo/animal rehab park thingie that does a light display every Christmas. Puff and I have been talking about going for the past 2 years, but life always threw a wrench in our plans... weather, travel, work, traffic, etc. So last Thursday night, we finally were able to pile into my SUV and drive the 40 minutes it took to get there.

And it was awesome. Not a lot of cars in the place, fun music, and cute light displays like camel lights and a giant ark. It was all fine and dandy. Until the animal encounter. Yes, a drive-thru animal encounter. Complete with the opportunity to purchase $6 worth of stale bagels to throw at free-roaming animals. I had seen the pictures. I knew it was coming. Except I had been desperately hoping it was voluntary and not a mandatory part of the package. I was adamant that Puff was not allowed to feed animals in my car. But I caved to his big sappy, sad eyes. At least it wasn't my $6.

We pull into the large pen. Then, chaos. There is no rhyme or reason to the traffic flow. People are driving around with no lights. In circles. Literally chasing small herds of deer that are barely as tall as my tire. All the while, Puff is driving my car so I can take photos. I never let anyone drive my car. My heart was beating out of my chest. Oh, there's a zebra. Except there are 50 cars in line around to feed it. Then I see it. The biggest animal of its kind I have ever seen. For a minute, I thought it was on stilts. But nope, that's just a big ass black & white cow THAT IS TALLER THAN MY SUV.

Oh, and of course Puff has to drive right up next to it! At first, it's not paying us much attention. I try to get a picture of its head out the window, but my camera settings weren't liking the lack of light, and with the flash, I was only getting pics of Puff's arm. Then it happened. Puff taunted the giant, mutant cow with a whole grain bagel. And its head turned. And I tried to snap a picture of Puff feeding the thing, but its head kept getting closer. And closer. And before I knew it, I thought I was going to have to jump out the side door and run for my life. That head was as big as my torso and it was coming into my window, trying to get the bag of food in Puff's lap. Which meant there was slobber. GIANT, MUTANT COW SLOBBER! And it was heading for the inside of my car!

I'm not quite sure if it was my scream or the flash of the camera that finally went off, or if Puff finally gave up some of his bread stash, but the monstrous animal finally backed its head out enough for me to momentarily stop panicking long enough to make Puff drive forward. Thankfully, if there had been any cow slobber, it landed on Puff's arm and not my car. Don't worry, at the end, there was a place where you could get out and feed goats, camels, llamas, longhorns, bison, and any other random animal you could think of. And they all slobbered on my husband.

I feel pretty confident that people thought I was being murdered when he went to put my arm around me. That boy has never seen so much hand sanitizer in his LIFE! And the entire time I kept praying that when we do finally get around to having children, that I'm really praying we have super prissy girls who want nothing to do with farm animals. Somehow, my life would seem a lot cleaner that way.

A Prancing Armadillo, Of Course

2011 has me all goofed up already. I went to bed at 10pm on New Year's Eve but was awake past 3am Saturday night. However, the reason was not exactly fun. You see, my husband loves animals. He's always on my case about wanting to get a pet. Yet, instead of introducing me to this pet by say, bringing home a cute little puppy on a leash in the front yard, he brings home some wild, rabid animal and lets it set up shop in the crawlspace under our house. Oh wait... under our bedroom, no less! Nope... couldn't be under the dining room where the noise didn't wake me in the middle of the night and cause me to think a giant bear was gnawing through the floor boards and was going to burst through the bottom of my mattress any second and maul me to death!

So, Puff didn't really bring home the animal, obviously. But I've gotta blame somebody and I certainly didn't authorize some noctural creature to take up residence in our home. Puff was able to shoo it away the other night by going outside and stomping and banging with his flashlight. Then yesterday, we stopped by Home Depot and some creepy sales clerk who apparently gets his kicks by sniffing granulated pest control substances recommended some Critter Ridder. Puff crawled under the house, never saw the mythical beast, but put out an entire container of the stuff. (And I've been having breathing problems & chest pains ever since. I really hope they're not related!)

So what animal is under the house? The first thing I kept telling myself was that it had to be the cat that wanders the neighborhood and occasionally naps on the top of our convertible. It made it much easier to sleep. However, yesterday, Puff assured me it wasn't a cat since he thought he "heard it gnawing on the pipes" under the house the other afternoon. Brilliant. No wonder I couldn't sleep! What if this fucking creature gnaws through a pipe, crawls inside, and then the next thing I know, I'm sitting down to take a pee, and a rabid squirrel busts out of the toilet and bites off my vagina!

It's most likely a raccoon or a possum. Neither of these options please me. One of the other bloggers I read had a "mythical bobcat" that lived at her new house. So if she can have that, then dammit, I want a Prancing Armadillo. Don't judge... there was a picture of an armadillo on the Critter Ridder bottle, so I'm not TOTALLY out in left field here!

I'm starting to think the best birthday present I could get today would be for that weird old lady from the pest control place, who reminds me of Ma from "Ma's Roadhouse" who smokes 20 packs a day, to come out and wrangle up that son-of-a-bitch under the house and haul it off to critter jail. With Puff leaving me to go to Atlanta for the next 3 days, I'm not sure how well I'm going to fare with that Prancing Armadillo.

It kinda scares the shit out of me!

Sound Bite Sunday

The month of January is going to be my official Robbie Williams Sound Bite month. Ever since I first saw the video for "Millenium" back in high school, I've been hooked. (Remember when TRL was on every afternoon and MTV actually showed some videos???) Anyway, I fell in love with his rebellious attitude and catchy Brit-pop songs. So, every Sunday in January, I'll showcase one of my favorites. Some were probably monster worldwide hits (like today's) but some are a bit more obscure. Regardless, if you live in America, you're probably not very familiar with him. And I want you to jump on the bandwagon. With the rest of the world.

 

Sin, Sin, Sin by Robbie Williams

 

Don't let your eyes tell the brain
You should feel ashamed
Everyone needs it baby
And I feel the same
Didn't quite catch your name
Hush, hush, hush
Don't say a thing
Let's see what the night will bring
It might be everything

Oh it hurts
When you're too blind to see
Please don't read my mind
I tell the truth to me

Sin sin sin
Look where we've been
And where we are tonight
Hate the sin not the sinner
I'm just after a glimmer
Of love and life
Deep inside

Hush hush hush
To speak is a sin
And neither of us
Need rescuing
Just relax
It's what Jesus would do
We're made in his image baby
Let's ride this thing through

Oh it hurts
When you're to blind to see
What about us
Well it was just for me

Sin sin sin
Look where we've been
And where we are tonight
Hate the sin not the sinner
I'm just after a glimmer
Of love and life
Deep inside

I won't sing of amore
It don't sound sincere
Love is a cliché
But it fits not here
I'll disappear

Sin sin sin
Look where we've been
And where we are tonight
Hate the sin not the sinner
I'm just after a glimmer
Of love and life
Deep inside
Deep inside

It's love
Clean sex joy
I love you
You love my hate
And it feels inside
Feels inside
Feels inside