Monday, January 3, 2011

A Prancing Armadillo, Of Course

2011 has me all goofed up already. I went to bed at 10pm on New Year's Eve but was awake past 3am Saturday night. However, the reason was not exactly fun. You see, my husband loves animals. He's always on my case about wanting to get a pet. Yet, instead of introducing me to this pet by say, bringing home a cute little puppy on a leash in the front yard, he brings home some wild, rabid animal and lets it set up shop in the crawlspace under our house. Oh wait... under our bedroom, no less! Nope... couldn't be under the dining room where the noise didn't wake me in the middle of the night and cause me to think a giant bear was gnawing through the floor boards and was going to burst through the bottom of my mattress any second and maul me to death!

So, Puff didn't really bring home the animal, obviously. But I've gotta blame somebody and I certainly didn't authorize some noctural creature to take up residence in our home. Puff was able to shoo it away the other night by going outside and stomping and banging with his flashlight. Then yesterday, we stopped by Home Depot and some creepy sales clerk who apparently gets his kicks by sniffing granulated pest control substances recommended some Critter Ridder. Puff crawled under the house, never saw the mythical beast, but put out an entire container of the stuff. (And I've been having breathing problems & chest pains ever since. I really hope they're not related!)

So what animal is under the house? The first thing I kept telling myself was that it had to be the cat that wanders the neighborhood and occasionally naps on the top of our convertible. It made it much easier to sleep. However, yesterday, Puff assured me it wasn't a cat since he thought he "heard it gnawing on the pipes" under the house the other afternoon. Brilliant. No wonder I couldn't sleep! What if this fucking creature gnaws through a pipe, crawls inside, and then the next thing I know, I'm sitting down to take a pee, and a rabid squirrel busts out of the toilet and bites off my vagina!

It's most likely a raccoon or a possum. Neither of these options please me. One of the other bloggers I read had a "mythical bobcat" that lived at her new house. So if she can have that, then dammit, I want a Prancing Armadillo. Don't judge... there was a picture of an armadillo on the Critter Ridder bottle, so I'm not TOTALLY out in left field here!

I'm starting to think the best birthday present I could get today would be for that weird old lady from the pest control place, who reminds me of Ma from "Ma's Roadhouse" who smokes 20 packs a day, to come out and wrangle up that son-of-a-bitch under the house and haul it off to critter jail. With Puff leaving me to go to Atlanta for the next 3 days, I'm not sure how well I'm going to fare with that Prancing Armadillo.

It kinda scares the shit out of me!

No comments: