Monday, June 6, 2011

I Love, Love

In digging through archives, I found this post I had written back in 2005. It made me nostalgic and made me love my marriage, all at the same time.

A list of things that are wonderful about being in a relationship...

At the beginning, I love the feeling you get when you like someone. The constant butterflies in the stomach, the anxiousness awaiting their phone call, and the hope that perhaps this time he's "the one." Constantly refreshing your email inbox to see if anything new was sent. Dropping whatever you're doing when you hear the "ding" that you have a new IM and hoping that it's that person. Then you get to long phone conversations, even if they're just across town or across the country. Late at night, going on for hours, talking about absolutely nothing in particular. Just enjoying hearing their voice and feeling that closeness. Then checking your phone for messages or text messages whenever you've been away from it for more than a minute.

I enjoy coming home and having someone there to greet me, or having them come home to me and me being there to greet them. Having someone to talk to and vent about our horrible or great day. Cooking dinner together in the kitchen, even though I can't cook. Deciding who gets to clean what dishes, arguing later of who gets to do the vacuuming and who has to clean the bathroom. Leaving "Honey-Do" lists for him to do everything anyway. Going to the grocery store together. (That's my favorite. I'm weird, I know.) Running mundane errands together. Holding hands.

Smiling and nodding when I talk about baby names and agreeing to name them pretty much whatever I want, even though I do know when the time finally comes, he'll want more say than that. Smiling and nodding when I banter on and on (and on and on and on) about places I want to travel to. And pretending to listen when I say I'm going here in this year and then to here. Having it all planned out and just going with it, like it's nothing. Never allowing me to know if he's really excited about it or not. But dammit, any man I am ever with better fucking be excited about travel!!!

Curling up on the couch together to watch television. Falling asleep with my head on his shoulder, curled up against him. Knowing there's no place I'd rather be, no place safer, in the whole entire world. Coming home to a surprise. Having a love note left on your windshield when you don't expect it. Getting a letter in the mail from them when you don't expect it. Getting flowers for absolutely no reason.

Whispering something sweet in my ear at the movies and me not minding because even though I hate whispering, it's OK that one time. Watching sporting events with me and not getting embarassed by how loudly I scream at the television. Especially during Kings and Cowboys games. And me secretly hoping that they're smiling at me and love that part of me. Being out and seeing each other across the room, both of us talking to different people, and still being able to see the sparkle in their eye that they are only interested in you, no matter how many other people you talk to.

Having secrets that only the two of you know. Being able to say one word or name or phrase and instantly start laughing because you know what the meaning is behind it. Reminissing about the early days in a relationship when things were so different than they are months later, but being able to do so with a smile. Having someone there for me when I'm sick. But if they're not there, be able to put on one of their big t-shirts and lay around in it and be comforted by the fact that it's some part of them there with you. Posing and smiling for endless amounts of photos, that I DO go back and look through all of the time.

Meeting his parents for the first time and being so nervous. Them meeting mine and being even more so. My dad sizing him up and determining if he's good enough for me or not. The four of us going out to dinner and to concerts or traveling together. Me trying to be polite that I don't care for other people's cooking without coming off as a total bitch. And me never thinking that their mom totally approves of me. Always thinking that she wishes he was with his closest female friend or an ex from way back when, instead of with me.

The first kiss. The anticipation leading up to it. Again, the butterflies. Already he's holding you in his arms, saying something either sweet or witty. You can see it in his eyes that he wants to, but the good ones always hesitate. I love that hesitation. Gives me a chance to see that they're human. The first "I love you." Sometimes coming as a shock, sometimes coming later or earlier than expected. Usually always followed as soon as possible by a jumping up and down session with the first friend you can find. The first time you make love. It's not just sex, because he's concerned about not only himself, but you too.

Having them there to listen to you when you need to talk. Just talk about anything. Or nothing. Have them hold you when something's upsetting you. Have them kiss you on the forehead... I love forehead kisses more than any other kind... and wipe away the tears. Be able to ramble on and on in emails or journals and have them take away something from it. But not being afraid to express your true feelings because you know they've already judged you and like what they see.

Not having to constantly impress them, but somehow managing to do so anyway.

And then one day, he tells you he’ll love you until he’s taken his last breath. And the world will just…

Stop.

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